Learning from the Grandmothers - Valentine’s Day and A 1695 Marriage in Germany
Love flows when we are able to connect and be brave, open, genuine, and true to our self
I have many questions about love.
As humans, why do we try to quantify it? Why do we try to describe it? Why do we try to legislate it? Why do we try to dissect it, evaluate it, judge it? And, why do we use it as a tool to manipulate, control, possess as well as support, strengthen, encourage? Why don’t we just accept it as the wondrous marvel it is?
Greek philosophers believed there were many ways that love shows up in the world.
Agape - Unconditional, selfless love that is independent of any expectations or influences; a love without strings attached.
Eros - physical, sexual, romantic love; a love of desire.
Philia - Friendship; affectionate feelings towards friends, family members, business associates.
There’s also:
Storge - Love within a family.
Pragma - Love based on duty, reason, shared goals.
Mania - Love as obsession.
Meraki - To do something with love, creativity, and devotion.
Ludus - Love that is carefree and playful.
Philautia -Self-love.
(See: When Eros Meets Psyche. This article links the type of love with a corresponding work of ancient art and architecture.)
Then, there are philosophical theories of love (Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy):
Love as union
Love as robust concern
Love as valuing
Love as emotion
It continually astounds me that efforts are made to control how love manifests in the world, especially when there are so many forms of love and types of love. Relationships grounded in love are so deeply personal and complex. It seems to me that love flows when we are able to connect and be brave, open, genuine, and true to our self.
That’s why I have always struggled with Valentine’s Day.
Valentine’s Day feels one dimensional, even sanitized. The performative nature of love does not appeal to me. Couple that with mass produced cards and chocolates, and an expectation to spend money, and I’m just not here for that. I just can’t reconcile all of that with love. It seems to miss the complexity and miracle that is love.
Instead, Valentine’s Day for me is a day to celebrate deep, powerful, sinuous love that activates response. Love that motivates, protects, and begets more love. This love is everywhere, if we choose to see it and nurture it. In the end, this love is what will change our world.
My dear husband had a similar struggle with Valentine’s Day when we met. When the first time Valentine’s Day came around when we were dating I suspect he was quite relieved when I extolled all my thoughts on the subject.
When our kids came along I knew we were going to have to sort out Valentine’s Day for Ourselves
When our kids came along I knew we were going to have to sort it out Valentine’s Day because their school would have one set of expectations and we would want to make sure that our family set our own tone for the day as well. That required a look into Valentine’s Day.
Valentine’s Day began as an ancient Roman celebration to honor St. Valentine. There are many legends about St. Valentine and why this day of remembrance and celebration is named after him. In fact, there are two different priests by the name of Valentinus, or “Valentine” (derived from the Latin word “Valens,” meaning strong or worthy). They were both executed by Roman emperors on February 14th in different years.
One legend claims that St. Valentine was a priest during third century, CE 270, Rome. During the time Emperor Claudius outlawed marriage for young men. He thought that unmarried men made better soldiers because they had nothing to loose —no wives, no children — so outlawing marriage would leave him with many more young men to serve in his army.
Valentine defied Claudius and continued to preform marriages in secret. When Claudius discovered what Valentine had been doing, he ordered Valentine put to death. The day he was executed, February 14th, became Valentine’s Day.
Valentine’s Day did not become a holiday until the 5th century, when Pope Gelasius I purportedly wanted a holiday to replace the mid-February Roman festival of Lupercalia. Lupercalia was an ancient festival for the Goddess Juno and the God Pan. In spirit, Lupercalia is similar to Imbolc —the awakening of the land and the early signs of spring. Gelasius, in an effort to end such festivities, inaugurated a feast day to commemorate Valentine on the saint’s execution date. February 14th.
Scholars believe it did not become a day to celebrate love until after Geoffrey Chaucer’s poem The Parlement of Foules (1380–90), first connected the day with romance. The earliest love letters referring to St. Valentine’s Day began to appear soon after the poem’s publication in the 14th century.
This narrative around Valentine’s Day worked for us. A day to appreciate what St. Valentine risked in allowing marriages and encouraging the bonds of love. To celebrate all of the ways love shows up in the world — all the ways love shows up amongst humans, amongst more than humans, and between all in the web of life.
Three centuries after Chaucer’s poem, and after the connection between love and Valentine’s Day was solidified, my family confronted rules around love, specifically, rules around who could marry.
A quick history lesson to set the stage for this month’s 12 Grandmothers story.
Martin Luther posted his Ninety-five Theses on the door of Castle Church on October 31, 1517, in Wittenberg, Germany. These Ninety-five Theses were his statements against the abuse of Roman Catholic power and indulgences. The result was a schism in the Catholic church. His words quickly became a manifesto for reform, sparking the Reformation, and resulting in the formation of a variety of churches called “Protestant,” of which Lutheran was one. You can read his Ninety-five Theses here. (A History of Lutheranism).
Throughout the Reformation, 1517-1648, this reform movement wrestled with its identity, and inter-Lutheran controversies arose around dogma, identity, theology, and doctrine. The Peace of Augsburg (1555) accepted the religious schism and created the foundation for Lutheranism; and by 1648, Lutheran orthodoxy was well established. (A History of Lutheranism).
This is a post about love so why am I talking about Martin Luther? It is important to understand a bit of the history of Lutheranism to see how it ties into this post. And before I discuss the connection, let’s be honest. Martin Luther comes with baggage - he approved of the bigamy of Philip of Hesse in 1540, he wrote radical anti-Semitic treatises in 1543, and he directed abusive and violent language towards those with whom he disagreed. Yet, Lutheranism took hold and spread far beyond Germany.
As it is, my grandfather’s family has been Lutheran since at least 1668, that’s the oldest record I have found. That’s the year my 8x grandparents Christophor Hamer and Ursula Schmidt were married on 31 July 1668 in Wenkheim, Germany. Both Christophor and Ursula are listed as Lutheran and 30 years old in the marriage record, so they may have been Lutheran when they were born, which would have been around 1638, in the heart of the Reformation.
What is interesting is that when my other 8x grandparents, Joannes Baumann and Maria Kneuckerts, were married in Wenkheim, Germany on 21 November 1695, the marriage was subject to a condition.
You see, Joannes was Catholic and Maria was Lutheran. The condition was:
with the condition that all children without difference should be educated in the Catholic faith, which the spouse promised in the presence of Joannis Norbell, catholic schoolmaster, stipulated by hand and this by mandate of the Council of Herbipolensis. Witnesses: Elias Baumann [note: probably Joannes’ uncle or an older brother] and Joannes Kneuckert [note: Maria’s father].”
When I first read this condition, my mind and emotions raced and the advocate in me rose up and proclaimed, “Why should it matter their religion? Why should there be conditions placed on their marriage like that? Love is love! Love is all that matters!” It made me so angry, madder than a wet hen as we say in my family. The advocate kept going, well beyond Joannes’ and Maria’s situation, to all of the ways love and marriage are not accepted, not valued, not supported, and worse, shamed, legislated, threatened, condemned to this day. I had to acknowledge and honor that response, and then bring myself back to life in Germany in 1695.
When I did that, the romantic in me appeared and wanted to think it was so wonderful that Maria loved him so much that in order to be with him she was willing to give up her faith and do whatever she needed to do to be married to him and spend the rest of their lives together. Granted, it doesn’t say much about her faith but says a lot about how she felt about him in my imagination.
Then, I began to think about how progressive Joannes must have been. In a time when it was complicated being Lutheran, he was willing to forge ahead with his marriage to Maria, if she was willing to meet him half way by raising the children Catholic. May be their values and beliefs weren’t that different so it worked for him.
I needed to understand. I went back to the early years of the Reformation to understand the times in which Joannes and Maria lived.
What I discovered was that a Catholic man and a Lutheran woman marrying in 1695 would have been pretty complicated.
One of the most important provisions in the Peace of Augsburg (1555) was the recognition of Catholic and Lutheran territorial rulers as the head of church and state. “Where there is one ruler there should be one religion.” This kept the peace until political aspirations and religious tensions led to the Thirty Years’ War (1618-1648). The Peace of Westphalia (1648), at the end of the Thirty Years’ War, affirmed the Peace of Augsburg, which had granted territorial rulers absolute authority in religious matters. (A History of Lutheranism).
Since Wenkheim was in the Franconian region of the Holy Roman Empire, both Catholic and Lutheran influences would have played a role in marriage regulations. After the Peace of Westphalia and the Counter-Reformation efforts to reclaim territories, Wenkheim was Catholic-dominated and under Catholic ecclesiastical rule. This meant that marriages were expected to follow Catholic law. Marrying without the approval of the church could result in excommunication or even civil penalties.
They had three options:
The Catholic Church generally required the Lutheran spouse to convert to Catholicism before marriage.
If the Lutheran spouse refused to convert, they could seek a special papal dispensation.
They could also leave and move to a territory that had a Lutheran ruler but that would mean leaving their families and community behind.
None of that is what happened with Joannes and Maria.
Instead, there was a compromise. Let’s be honest, Joannes’ and Maria’s marriage probably wasn’t as much about love as it was about business. It was probably a business transaction that was drawn up by the families to strengthen economic or social ties. In fact, on the document we see Maria’s father, Joannes Kneuckert’s signature, and Elias Baumann’s signature, probably Joannes’ uncle or an older brother. A joining of families.
Maria did not convert. Maria held onto her faith, her belief, her integrity. The compromise was about future children who would be raised as Catholics. Joannes and Maria had only two children I have been able to locate - Johann Adam and Margareta. According to Johann Adam’s marriage records, they were indeed raised Catholic.
Given that a compromise was secured, this marriage must have been beneficial and important to both families. For Maria, it seems to have been a powerful act of love. I will never know if it was love for her family, for her self, for Joannes, for her community, for her faith, or for something else that motivated her. Yet, her message to me is clear - be love and love will find a way.
For our family, Valentine’s Day is a time to celebrate the power of love. To celebrate all of the ways love shows up in the world.
And, this year, we also honor a love that gave Maria the space and confidence to find a win - win solution, a deeply personal and complex way to stay true to her self while remaining genuine, open, and brave as she entered into her marriage with Joannes.
What does a genuine, open, and brave love look like for you?
5 Notes
Five final notes on what I’m baking, drinking, reading, trying, and practicing in yoga.
Baking: Heart-Shaped Bundt Cake. Our Valentine’s Day starts with a yummy heart-shaped bundt cake and a cup of Chamomile Tea with Roses and Vanilla. The basic bundt recipe is only limited by one’s imagination. I use it for a Christmas Brunch Bundt Cake (use Christmas wreath bundt pan); 4th of July Bundt Cake (add 1/2 cup each of raspberries and blueberries to batter; fill center of cake with raspberries and blueberries when serving); and, for Valentine’s: Add 1 cup of raspberries to batter; use heart shaped bundt pan; fill center of heart with raspberries when serving.
Basic Bundt Cake 1.5 cups non-dairy milk 1/3 cup oil 1/3 cup unsweetened applesauce 2 tablespoons ground flax seed 1 tablespoon arrowroot 1 cup sugar 1 tablespoon grated lemon zest 1 tablespoon vanilla extract 2 2/3 cups all purpose flour 1 teaspoon baking powder 1/2 teaspoon baking soda 3/4 teaspoon salt Preheat the oven to 350°degrees F. In a large bowl, whisk together the milk, oil, applesauce, ground flax seed, and arrowroot until it becomes foamy. Mix in the sugar and whisk until well combined, 30 seconds or so. Mix in the lemon zest and vanilla. Sift in half of the flour, all of the baking powder, baking soda, and salt. Mix until well combined, and then add in the rest of the flour and mix until smooth. Pour the batter into the prepared pan. Bake for 50 - 55 minutes. The top should be browned and puffed and firm to the touch. Let cool for 10 minutes, then invert on a cooling rack to cool completely. Enjoy!Drinking: Matcha Latte. I’ve changed up my morning beverage lately because I wanted something creamier, something that felt more special than my Sunrise Tea. Matcha Lattes are hitting the spot! Matcha is a smoother green tea than the Gunpowder Green I usually drink. It’s a ceremonial grade Matcha powder that is shade-grown in the Kyoto Prefecture. It contains an abundance of antioxidants and phytochemicals. I just love it for the flavor.
1 teaspoon Matcha Green Tea Powder
1 cup milk of choice (I make a cashew milk that is my preference for lattes)
1-2 teaspoons honey, if desired
Heat 1.25 cups of water until just barely boiling. Meanwhile, place the matcha powder into a ceramic tea bowl. Pour a small amount of the hot water over the matcha, and with a bamboo whisk begin to blend the water and powder. Gradually, add more water and continue to whisk until fully combined. (A froth will appear on the surface.)
Heat the milk until steaming but not boiling. Add honey to the milk, and froth the mixture. Pour the tea into your favorite mug or cup, and gently add the steamed milk. Enjoy!
Reading: Love in a Time of Terror by Barry Lopez. Barry Lopez’s books and experiences have taught me so much about nature, landscapes, humanity, and the power of stories. Most importantly, he taught me about relationships. Arctic Dreams, Of Wolves and Men, Desert Notes/River Notes, Horizons, his writings in Orion, and his children's book, Crow and Weasel. His storytelling is beautiful. I met him once. It was 1996. He was reading at the Library of Congress for "Watershed: Writers, Nature and Community" - six days of readings, lectures, dialogues, panel discussions, classroom visits and performances celebrating nature and nature writing, co-hosted by Poet Laureate Robert Haas and the Orion Society. He was sitting next to Wendell Berry. What a moment for me! I spoke with both and they signed my books. I was mesmerized.
Barry Lopez died in 2020 and I miss his insights. So whenever a writing of his I have forgotten about or never read pops into my view, I dive right in. He wrote this essay as the foreword to the first edition of Orion’s anthology, Earthly Love: Stories of Intimacy and Devotion from Orion Magazine (2020), and it is as relevant now as it was when the book was first published.
Trying: Journaling with a Twist. I was a committed scrapbooker when I was in high school. Every movie ticket, ski pass, greeting card, concert ticket, you name it, I kept it, and it found a home in my scrapbook. The kids baby books were the same way.
Somewhere along the way, I lost that practice. Then, Junk Journaling came into view. I mentioned Junk Journaling to our oldest and she replied, “Why do you think I always keep the Whole Foods parking garage tickets?” She sat me down and began showing me her favorites on Instagram (bellaoggioni). Then she showed me her journal. Wow!
I’ve been a lifelong journaler but I never realized the styles of journaling extended beyond long form writing. (If you’re still reading this post, that probably doesn’t surprise you.) We agreed that it’s really just journaling with a twist. I pulled one of my unused journals out, and am diving in head first. We’ll see how it goes. If you journal like this or decide to try, I’d love to hear about your experience.
Yoga: The moon is in a Waning Gibbous phase, moving towards the Last Quarter, and then Waning Crescent. This is a time of love, generosity, gratitude, kindness as well as rest and compassion. Plus, with the energy still around from Valentine’s Day, heart openers feel right, too. My practice right now, looks like this:
